inaugural blog
I debated on what topic to write about for my inaugural blog for some time and decided on gum. Yeah, you read it right, gum. Quite possibly the single most vile thing ever perpetrated on an unsuspecting public. What the hell is the point? You can’t eat it. Well you can, but ick. If your breath smells, suck an Altoid. If you have crap in your teeth, brush. It’s not that the thing itself is evil but people in general are inherent pigs and have no regard for those around them so once again innocent bystanders are made to suffer.
Ultimately it boils down to this; others should never have to hear what you are chewing on. We are not impressed that you can blow a bubble with your gum. What, are you eight? It’s disgusting watching you chomp on your cud like Farmer John’s family bovine. And most importantly the popping is so incredible annoying and grating that it’s enough to decalcify a person’s spinal cord.
There must be some secret gum muncher rule that requires professional chewers to chomp with their mouths open, especially it seems for women. There is just nothing more attractive than watching a woman munch on her gum. It’s as though they are on a mission. These masticating beauties want to share their happy little gum experience with all of us around them. I suppose a fortunate byproduct of this incessant jowl workout must make them tremendously popular with all the male Cro-Magnons I mean the ability to suck a golf ball through a garden hose is never something to be taken for granted.