iseemorons

Well, it’s finally here, the official “ticket to Heaven”.  It comes with complete with a travel kit, reservation certificate, official Heaven Identification Card and of course the obligatory Heaven 101 Information Guide.   Not since Wille Wonka’s golden ticket has there been such an opportunity so watch out Wal-Mart door people, the flood of God Squaders clamoring to get a hold of their tickets will make Black Friday look like a walk in the park.  Although the presumptuousness of whoever considered themselves qualified to allow entry into Heaven is a bit disconcerting the real story is the author of the Heaven 101 Information Guide!  Seems to me they have a hell of a story to tell, no pun intended.   Salvation and all the accompanying accruements can be purchased for a paltry $12.95.  This is the best deal going.  So go out and live that wonderful carefree lifestyle of depravity and debauchery, write a check and give old St. Peter a shout-out on your way strait to Go.  It’s like having a Double Double every day and not gaining a pound.   

 

Finally a way to express your endless and endearing affection for a departed loved one, have the carbon of their remains made into jewelry.  What?  Sound sick and wrong?  Well, you need to get with the program and start experiencing the seemingly endless yet totally creepy ways of keeping your dead loved ones close to you.  I guess a video or a picture or just keeping people in your thoughts simply isn’t adequate.  You just can’t put a price on love but LifeGem, the creators of this “memorial”, is gonna try.  How about anywhere from $2,699-$24,999?  Why the discrepancy in price?  Are some of us worth less than others?  No, wait, I know the answer to that one.  I guess if you spend $25k your love is ten times strong than if you only spend the wimpy $2700.  Hell, you might as well not bother, you cheap bastard.